Archives for April 2018

Planning to Die: Understanding the Values of Wills / Part 5 Conclusion: Conversations & Resources

This is the final piece of the series. Thank you for following along!

Part 5 | Conclusion: Conversations & Resources

A couple years after my mom died, I had a very vivid dream where she descended from the sky in a hot air balloon. I ran to the basket and she said, “Katie, know that when you see a hot air balloon, I am with you.”

I never told anyone about that dream, until there were hot air balloons lining the sky on my sister’s wedding day. Then, after my metastatic diagnosis, my siblings and I started seeing them everywhere.

Last June 5^th marked 20 years since my mom died. A friend text me that day and said, “You probably already knew this, but did you know today is National Hot Air Balloon Day?”

I did NOT know that! It was instituted a couple years ago. When people ask me if I’m afraid to die, I look at my new hot air balloon tattoo on my wrist and tell them no. Am I ready? Absolutely not. I still have a lot to say.

But I think of all the people waiting for me on the other side, especially my mom. I think of what we’ll get up to sending messages to our loved ones still on earth. And I take comfort in believing that we’ll all be reunited again.

I hope by now you feel more informed and you ALL have your affairs in order! I’ve already mentioned this, but since it’s CRITICAL to the process, I’m stating it again. There’s no value in establishing anything if your doctor and/or lawyer are the only ones privy to your wishes. Talk with your loved ones.

Michelle Knox explains in her TED Talk, “If you plan for your death, then your survivors will know how to experience a healthy bereavement without fear or guilt of having failed to honor your legacy.”

Grab a bottle of wine and discuss the one guarantee we all know for certain with your loved ones. None of us are getting out alive! How do we prepare and make it easier on all of us? Establish your wishes and have a conversation.

And, due to my innate obsession with connecting people, if you are looking for a lawyer in CO, NE, MN or England, I’ve included contact information for amazing lawyers in the Resources section below. Nothing would make me happier than sending some business to these amazing lawyer friends. Please tell them I sent you.

To recap

Everyone, regardless of age, assets, and health status benefits from having a Will in place.
You do not have to pay an attorney to have an Advance Directive (or other estate planning documents). Search your state’s requirements and find an online form or create your own.
Share your Advance Directive with your healthcare providers.
Make certain you are discussing your end of life wishes with multiple loved ones, especially those you appoint as your Medical Powers of Attorney.
Remember, you can go back and make changes at any time.

Resources

Colorado: Julia Kneeland Lazure, Esq., KNEELAND LAW, LLC., Denver, CO, Phone: (720) 524-4918, Email: julia.lazure [at] kneelandlaw.com, www.kneelandlaw.com, Facebook
Nebraska: Joan Watke Stacy, PC, LLO, Sena, Polk & Stacy LLP, Omaha, NE, Phone: (402) 884-7444, Email: jws [at] SPSattorneys.com, www.spsattorneys.com, Facebook
Minnesota: Joe Henderson, J. F. Henderson Law, PLLC, Minneapolis, MN, Phone: (651) 699-2600, Email: jfh [at] jfhendersonlaw.com, www.jfhendersonlaw.com, Facebook
England: Joanne Axisa, SP Law inc. Martin Adams & McColl, Northampton, UK, Phone: +44 (0)1604 638905, Email: joanne.axisa [at] sp-law.co.uk, www.sp-law.co.uk, Facebook
The Conversation Project: dedicated to helping people talk about their wishes for end-of-life care
Five Wishes: a helpful guide and documentation of your wishes (can be used in any part of the world)
Talk about death while you’re still healthy: a TED Talk by Michelle Knox. This is a great starting point for understanding the conversation of death. Michelle talks about the correlation of talking about death to becoming more comfortable with grief.

Planning to Die: Understanding the Values of Wills / Part 4 Beneficiaries & Belongings

Part 4 | Beneficiaries & Belongings

Two topics often overlooked in estate planning are beneficiaries and belongings. Beneficiary designations are separate contracts and are not subject to the terms of your Will. For example, if you signed up for your company’s 401(k) plan ten years ago when you were single, and you’re now married with children and you pass away unexpectedly, is your best friend or sibling getting that money? Or your family? When you married, did you update your beneficiary designation form? Or, if you were married and no longer are, have you changed your beneficiary to be someone you’d actually like to have inherit your money vs. your ex-spouse? This applies to all accounts with beneficiaries and life insurance policies. Not having those correctly assigned can cause huge, negative unintended consequences.

Belongings are another important thing to consider. My cousin Joni said, “Most people think the greatest thing to leave their family is even a modest legacy of money.” She went on to explain, “When considering the topic more deeply, you’ll find that most people want their legacy to be a healthy relationship among their children.”

Having these conversations in advance, while difficult, can help address any conflict that may happen after you’re gone. It’s certainly not pleasant to deal with now, but if you don’t, Joni has seen first-hand, “That conflict can mushroom upon your death and sometimes can permanently sever familial and sibling relationships.”

Who will get your watch, your wedding band, your 1969 Maserati Ghibli 4.7, the painting above the mantel, Grandma’s candy dish, your sewing supplies, your dog? The list goes on. If two siblings have their heart set on one item and no one can agree to who should get it, rifts can form. Do you want the fight over who gets that painting above the mantel be the reason your children stop speaking to one another?

Michelle Knox suggests “Death Over Dinner” in her TED Talk, Talk about death while you’re still healthy.

In her talk, she suggests, “Life would be a lot easier to live if we talked about death now while we’re healthy. For most of us, we wait until we are too emotional, too ill, or too physically exhausted, and then it’s too late. Isn’t it time we started taking ownership of our finale on earth?”

Have the adult kids over for some pizza and start taking dibs on belongings. Prepare a powerpoint presentation on what your end of life wishes are. Okay, it might not need to be that formal, but START TALKING. Do you want to die at home? Do you want to donate your organs and/or tissue? Do you want to be buried, cremated or have your body donated to science? Do you want your ashes spread over the Cliffs of Moher by your nephews and niece (hypothetically speaking)? Make sure someone, other than you, knows what you want, because – spoiler alert – you won’t be here to tell them.

The final section, Part 5 | Conclusion: Conversations & Resources, has some stellar resources and high kicks for the biggest takeaway of all.

Planning to Die: Understanding the Values of Wills / Part 3 The Legal/Financial Perspective

Part 3 | The Legal/Financial Perspective

My lawyer/friend Julia recommends that people think about estate planning holistically and consider ensuring that they have a Will, Living Will, and Powers of Attorney. Most of her clients end up including all of them when going through the process, but if someone simply wants one of the documents I outlined in Part I, she will happily work with them, too. She also thinks it’s important for everyone, regardless of age, assets and health status to do a Will.

She often meets with couples with young kids who are going to leave them for the first time with relatives. That’s one of the life stages when the hypothetical “if something were to happen to both of us” conversation happens.

Her clients’ intent in creating a Will is to feel like their family is taken care of and their wishes are going to be observed. Where she sees conflict is when a Will is not in place and families dispute over “what the person would have wanted.” The process of estate planning gives the client an opportunity to clearly state what he or she wants. She also sees a lot of people wanting to donate items or a certain amount of money to charitable causes. A Will gives you a chance to do that.

Julia observed that when a Will is in place and someone dies, everything tends to go a lot more smoothly. She had a client whose sister was the Personal Representative in her Will. When her client passed, the sister was left to sort her affairs from another state. It would have been extremely difficult for her sister to accomplish everything without a Will in place.

“People want to be sure they are leaving a legacy. The biggest piece of mind is that they are not creating a mess for their family,” she explained.

For Julia, the process takes a month to two, on average (Nick and I are the outliers!), typically over three meetings, although it can go a lot faster if clients prefer that. The first meeting, she walks her clients through a questionnaire. Then she fills out all the documents and sends back for review within a week or two. A follow up phone call takes place to review the documents, then the person or couple comes in for signing.

Julia mentioned, “In my experience, it isn’t atypical in a couple to have one person who is ready to sign and the other person to be having an existential experience.” She understands this and works through this with her clients.

Julia stressed that you can always go back and change things. “What you want to have happen with your money for your kids when they are 2-years-old is a lot different than what you’d want done when they are 40,” she gave as an example.

Speaking of your money, if you do not establish a Trust (or a Testamentary Trust in your Will), you do not get to choose who will manage your money for your children. Whatever money is inherited by your children gets paid to them automatically on their 18^th birthday (or 19^th birthday depending on the emancipation age in your state). A Will allows you to decide who manages your kids’ money even if they have another parent to raise them. Without a Trust (or a Testamentary Trust in your Will), your spouse will raise the kids and manage their money. When that becomes tricky is when said spouse is an ex-spouse. A Testamentary Trust is a set of trust provisions included in your Will, but a Trust is only established if certain criteria are met (ie both parents die and the child hasn’t reached the age of 25 or hasn’t graduated from college or a trade school).

To reiterate, from the legal, financial and medical perspective, if you are not clear with your loved ones on your wishes, you are only setting them up for confusion, guilt and heartache on top of the devastating loss they will experience with your passing.

The next section is Part 4 | Beneficiaries & Belongings, two things often over-looked in the process.

Planning to Die: Understanding the Values of Wills / Part 2 The Medical Perspective

Part 2 | The Medical Perspective

My dad designed an Advance Directive form thirty years ago for his patients. It is one page. It states things like, “If I have a terminal condition, in general, I would or would not want these things done” (for example, dialysis, feeding tube, cardio pulmonary resuscitation, antibiotics). In the state of Nebraska, where he resides, the page does not need to be notarized, it just requires a witness. He then asks his patients to discuss with their loved ones and send him a copy, and he saves it on file.

On multiple occasions, he has had to tell families, this is what my patient indicated to do in this scenario. Usually it’s the daughter from California who hasn’t been around. The siblings in Omaha have been there day to day, and they understand it’s time for their mom to pass. At the 11^th hour, the daughter flies in and feels guilty she hasn’t been there. My dad must explain the directive and what her mother’s wishes were.

My dad talks about this with 100% of his patients, even the 20-year-old, healthy ones. When they are healthy, it’s a lot easier to talk about. About 90% of his patients have filled out the form, and he continues to bring it up, typically at their annual physical exam, with each patient who has not filled one out.

“Most people see the wisdom of it and are anxious to do it. Where it gets hairy is when you’re putting it into place. You may have a disagreement with family members, and you sit down to talk about it. You have to explain, ‘It’s not what you want, it’s what mom wants,’” my dad explained.

Furthermore, if he has a patient who is really sick and does not want to be resuscitated, he will have them write DNR (do not resuscitate) and put it on their refrigerator so first responders know that.

My dad’s dad had a “do not hospitalize” order, in addition to his DNR wish. This was something he and my dad (and his siblings) had discussed at length. He was living in a nursing home at 96 years-old.

When my dad received the call at 4am in 2005 that my grandpa had severe abdominal pain and rectal bleeding, he reminded the nursing home that his dad did not want to be hospitalized. They made him comfortable and let nature take its course. My grandpa died two days later.

When my dad suggests the “do not hospitalize” order to patients and their families, the inevitably say, “You can do that?!”

If you do not have these documents in place, each state has a plan for you if something happens (either incapacity or death), making your loved ones jump through legal hoops to be able to step in and help when you need it. For example, if you’re in a car accident and you do not have a Medical Power of Attorney or a Durable Power of Attorney, your loved ones must file a guardianship/conservatorship to make decisions on your behalf. It is time consuming and expensive. Instead of caring for you, they are left sitting in a lawyer’s office. Always a party.

If you’re thinking, “This doesn’t apply to me; I’m super healthy,” you are sorely mistaken. My friend and author Katie McKenna wrote a memoir called How to Get Run Over by a Truck. She was young and healthy and on a quick morning spin the day she was pummeled by an 18-wheeler. Thank God she lived to tell her story, which I highly recommend reading.

Death is the definition of inevitability. It’s the one guarantee in life. What are you doing for yourself and your loved ones to prepare? Ambiguity in your end of life care only leads to confusion, guilt and heartache for your loved ones.

The next section is Part 3 | The Legal/Financial Perspective.