I’m a people-pleaser to the nines. Therefore, the word NO rarely enters my vocabulary. I can think the word; I struggle to SAY the word. One of my #cancerperks is that I learned to say no more easily. I had an actual excuse!
“No, I can’t make it to your baby shower. I have a full body rash, spend 75% of my time on the toilet, and quite literally don’t have the energy.”
Seriously, nobody ever argued with that.
But what about during my ups? When I’m out of treatment and creating some semblance of normalcy in my life?
A couple years back, prior to my metastatic diagnosis, I was at a charity event with my sister and her awesome in-laws. I overheard a gentleman ask Nicki’s mother-in-law, Terri, if she’d be interested in serving on the board for a charity he was involved in. Without hesitation, she replied, “You know, I’d love to, but my plate is full.”
The heavens parted, and the angels sang.
MY PLATE IS FULL.
The only person who can define the load of your plate is you. If you think it’s full, it’s full. Terri mentioned she might have a friend who would be interested and promised to check with that person and put them in touch if there was interest. Brilliant.
Terri, you just said no, offered a possible alternative, and let yourself off the hook if you didn’t solve this person’s dilemma. You are my hero.
I come back to this time and time again. There are 168 hours in a week. 56 of those hours, we should be sleeping. At least 40 of those hours, we’re working. That doesn’t leave many hours to eat healthy, workout, shower, commute, read, run errands, watch your show, walk your dog, and socialize. Says the woman who only has a furbaby to care for! I would imagine children consume 100% of the remaining 72 hours and then some. Why do I imagine this? Because a girlfriend texted me last week, “Is it bad that I can’t figure out when my last shower was?!”
Start to pay attention to your plate.
It’s okay to say NO. Furthermore, you don’t need to have an actual conflict or excuse for said NO. How often is that two hour time slot that someone asks you to watch their kid or meet for coffee, your ONLY two hours to yourself that week to squeeze in a workout, a nap, a good book or a glass of wine (futurehappyself.com is a judge-free zone)? It’s okay to keep that time to yourself. In fact, I’ve found to keep myself disciplined, I have to actually mark my workout and writing time in my calendar.
I just finished reading Girl, Wash Your Face. Rachel Hollis, the author, talks about how we can’t fathom breaking plans with other people, yet when it comes to ourselves, we break plans without question. I needed to read this. Inevitably, when I’m feeling good, I overload my plate. The first thing to get pushed off is my writing slash myself.
Last Thursday was marked as a writing day in my calendar. Two of my dearest girlfriends asked me to go to the Rembrandt exhibit at the Denver Art Museum. It sounded glorious and cultured. I wanted to go, but I remembered Rachel’s point. If I had plans to watch my sister’s kids, I’d tell them no. I compromised, because a girls gotta eat, and met them for breakfast near the coffee shop where I’d do my writing after. Yay, Katie!
Another rule of thumb that has helped me to remain balanced is to limit my evening commitments during the week. Two weeknights of activity is typically my max (pre-cancer and husband it was five). If someone asks me if I’m available on Wednesday evening, and I already have a happy hour on Tuesday and acupuncture appointment on Thursday, then NO, I’m not available on Wednesday.
Unless, you’re a dear friend asking and you want wine. The wine walk occurs when you desire a little exercise but also want to catch up with a friend. Multi-task! Put some vino in a coffee tumbler and hit the pavement. I’ve walked many miles catching up with girlfriends, walking my dog, and enjoying some liquid grapes. That doesn’t count against my evening commitments because I’m getting my move on and taking care of my fursponsibilities. If you’re a mama, put those kiddos in a stroller. My girlfriend Heather and I do it all the time.
Lastly, if you’re like me and someone says “We should get together,” it haunts you until you have a date in place. Years ago, I learned to say back, “I’d love to! Send me some dates.” Put it back on their plate. If it’s a crazy time (i.e. the holidays) say, “Yes! Ping me after the holidays.”
This summer, when Nick and I were dealing with my brain mets, his father’s fight with cancer, and my temporary blindness (just a couple things), I would “snooze” people by doing this exact thing. “Nick and I need to get through the next couple months, please reach out again in September.”
Take some of the pressure off yourself. If they are suggesting it, let them plan it. Inevitably, some people saying this will forget or they don’t actually mean it in the first place. It’s like when Chandler tries to break up with Rachel’s boss with the mascara goop, and he keeps ending their dates with, “This was great, I’ll give you a call, we should do it again sometime!”
To recap, next time someone asks you to do something, remember the following:
• Terri’s four magic words – MY PLATE IS FULL.
• Mark your calendar for yourSELF and keep those plans like you would any other commitment.
• Set (and keep) your limit on activities/week.
• Implement the wine walk with girlfriends – good for the body and soul.
• Allow other people to plan.
You’re welcome. (Hey, thanks, Terri).