That one time, when my cancer spread to my brain after a series of migraines and a sudden onset of stroke-like symptoms, and we had to postpone our trip to England to see Nick’s ailing father so that I could have gamma knife to my brain tumor right after babysitting all five of my sisters’ kids for a weekend, with my dad’s help, and we flew to NYC to see a specialist and learned we had a window to get back to England before my next scan, so we hopped a flight just in time to spend a week with Nick’s family, and his dad lost his battle to lung cancer the day after we returned home, the day before my seeing eye developed a corneal ulcer and I lost vision, making Nick a seeing-eye-spouse for three days, and thankfully my vision returned, albeit a little damaged, in time for us to fly back to England for his dad’s funeral two weeks later.
That time? Yeah. It’s feels like that now. My life is on hold, and I’m in survival mode.
Except instead of being on 10 airplanes in a month’s time, we are literally grounded. Like in high school. Except instead of missing curfew and deserving this, none of us are to blame. And instead of having complete FOMO because all of our friends are at that epic house party, we’re all in the same boat.
Time is standing still in the middle of mass chaos (unless of course you are a medical or public health professional…or a liquor store clerk).
My word for 2020 is gratitude. I started The Five-Minute Journal, sent to me by another cancer survivor. Someone told me today, “Gratitude and abundance are on the same frequency.” And if you’re still skeptical about the effects of gratitude, ask Harvard.
Times are scary. Yes. But instead of looking to the future and freaking out, be present and find things to be grateful for.
I started this year filled with anxiety every time I looked at my calendar. Don’t get me wrong, I was looking forward to everything on it. It was just a lot. In March, I was supposed to be speaking at an event. In April, I had another speaking engagement. In May, we were flying to England for Nick’s brother’s wedding. In June, we were flying to my brother’s wedding in Cabo. I was volunteering for a First Descents trip in August. We had a tentative trip to Portugal in the fall.
So in January and February, I took it easy. I said no to things I normally would have said yes to. Hello regret. My name is Katie. March and April are basically cancelled. And who knows what May and June and even the fall will bring.
COVID-19 has taught me a lot. It’s reminded me of my journey with cancer when there are times I am living three months at a time and there are moments I am living hour by hour. Right now, we as a society are living one day at a time. And no. None of us are in control. We never really are. This will pass. We will be able to make plans again.
But when that time comes, I will no longer look to the future with concern. I will simply live each day for what it is: a gift. I will say yes to the things that align with my life dreams.
Until then, I will continue to practice gratitude. I call the silver linings of cancer #CancerPerks. I’m now looking for #CoronaPerks, which include spending 24/7 with my husband and dog (this is the best thing that has ever happened to her), getting out for long walks to enjoy the fresh air, finally getting to the projects I’ve been eyeing for years, virtual happy hours catching up with dear friends, and for the first time in my life, not over committing.
May you find peace and gratitude during this time. And when this lifts, may you say yes to the things that align with your life’s desires.
