Health & Wellness - Love, Your Future Happy Self

Dairy-Substitute for Creamy Mashed Potatoes

I wanted to get this out in time for Thanksgiving. The recipe below is the perfect vegan substitute to make the creamy mashed potatoes we all love. Ditch the butter, cream cheese and sour cream and instead, use this yummy, creamy cashew cream. Add nutritional yeast, garlic, rosemary, sea salt and pepper for more Flavor Flav!

Earlier this summer, I met with a nutritionist to figure out what on earth was happening with my stomach. I was so excited to be pooping solid (sorry for the overshare but everyone poops!) after a brutal eight months of treatment in 2015 that caused up to ten incidents of “pineapples” before 10am each morning.

I was required to report all side effects to a young man named Efrain. I was working fulltime in my company’s New York City Midtown office. Every morning, I’d sneak away to inform poor Efrain of my bowel movements.

“Efrain. I’m at work every day. How can I make this call without using the word diarrhea?” I asked him on day four of recording my side effects after finding a conference room to hide in.

“Pineapples,” he quickly responded, clearly having been asked this before.

“Great! Pineapples it is,” I said, satisfied. My new colleagues are going to think I eat a lot of pineapples.

I’ll dive more into my progression from pineapples to a 30 lb. weight loss to donuts and milkshakes to the diet I now maintain in a later post. In a nutshell, I finally had things under control until earlier this year when I had emergency gallbladder removal. Before surgery, I was, unlike most women my age (based on market research of discussing poop with an overwhelming majority of my girlfriends) finally pooping solid, like clockwork. It was glorious. After surgery, I was dashing for the bathroom before most of my meals were even complete to “pineapple.”

My nutritionist, a lovely woman named Robin Hutchinson with Healthy Nest Nutrition, did some blood work on me to discover food allergies and sensitivities. That’s when we decided I was done with gluten, especially having two of three siblings with celiac disease. I was testing highly allergic to wheat. Robin helped me shift my diet and had me pooping solid again in no time. Thank you, Robin! She gave me recipes and food ideas for breakfast, lunch and dinner (vs. the last nutritionist I worked with three years ago who would tell me “just sauté bell peppers with bok choy” with the false and silly assumption that I knew what sauté or bok choy meant…). Robin also taught me to add a cashew cream to my bowl of fruit each morning to add protein. Doesn’t this look yummy? It is!

Today, I want to share the cashew cream recipe I found by Meghan Splawn on The Kitchn’s blog. I use cashew cream daily as a topping on my morning fruit bowl and as a substitute for the sour cream, butter and cream cheese that I used to chuck in my mashed potatoes. It’s super easy. All you need is a couple bowls (medium to soak the cashews and small to store the cream when finished), measuring devices, a colander, a blender (I use my NutriBullet®), and a spatula. When finished, cream can be stored up to one week in an air-tight container.

Vegan Cashew Cream Recipe

View approximate nutritional value here.

Ingredients

For basic, all-purpose cashew cream:

1 cup raw, unsalted cashews
2 1/2 cups water, divided
1/8 teaspoon kosher salt

For sweetened cashew cream add (this is the version I use):

1 dried Medjool date, pitted

For “cheesy” cashew cream add:

1 tablespoon nutritional yeast
1 teaspoon freshly squeezed lemon juice

Instructions

Simple!

Soak the cashews in a medium bowl for up to three hours, but preferably overnight. Add 2 c. of water to the cashews.
Drain the cashews using a colander. Place cashews, 1/2 c. of water, 1/8 tsp. salt and other ingredients if desired in blender.
Blend until creamy. If you desire creamier consistency, add more water.
Store in an airtight container in the refrigerator for up to one week.

I hope you enjoy this recipe as much as I have! What are some of your favorite dairy substitutes?

NutriBullet® | The Gateway Appliance (of Healthy Eating)

When I used to offer to “make” dinner for anyone – a family member, a friend, a date, I was genuinely impressed with my ability to go to King Soopers, purchase a FRESHCHETTA® Pizza, turn on the oven and bake it for 18-20 minutes at 400 degrees. I offered condiments like ranch for dipping the pizza and honey for dipping the crust. When Nick entered the picture, I had to be sure I always had ketchup on hand because the dude dips everything in ketchup. Says the girl with a ranch fetish.

This was the baseline of my diet. I also bought RED BARON® Deep Dish Minis in bulk and frequently scarfed those down before running out the door to Gaelic Football practice, happy hour with friends or another awkward first date. What did I eat for breakfast you ask? Nothing. Unless you count 4 cups of black coffee as breakfast. Lunches consisted of peanut butter and honey (there’s the honey again, I’m the granddaughter of a beekeeper) on wheat bread – wasn’t I healthy? And Lay’s Salt & Vinegar Flavored Potato Chips. Maybe once every three months, I’d buy baby carrots and eat 2-4 of those along with my child-like lunches. And red peppers. I’d eat one of those every couple weeks.

It was bad.

I equated eating healthy with dieting. And I equated dieting with weight issues. I’ve never really had issues with my weight (I may have that going for me, but don’t be mad, remember I have cancer) so I gave little thought to what I put in my body. I was playing Gaelic Football, Ultimate Frisbee, and going to the gym. I justified my diet with my level of fitness. This is a horrible idea.

Five years ago, after my initial cancer diagnosis, I started to realize I should probably consume some level of fruits and vegetables that didn’t come pre-processed on a frozen pizza in the form of tomato sauce.

So I went to Bed Bath & Beyond with a 20% off coupon and purchased a NutriBullet®.

It’s like the training wheels of healthy eating.

It eases you right in. I started juicing every day. And I noticed on days I didn’t, my body was craving it. I’d put kale, cucumber, carrot, ginger, chia and flax seeds in the bottom and mask those flavors with berries, then fill with water or almond milk. I must admit, the first time I used ginger, I had no idea of its potency and put in a giant root. Needless to say, that was disgusting. But I refused to waste my juice that day, so I powered through it. I made the same mistake the first time I tried turmeric, which is even more potent that ginger. You learn.

It’s not really “juicing” in the technical term, now that I do that, too. The drink has more of a smoothie consistency. Nick made fun of me at first because he was one of those humans who actually ate his fruits and vegetables. But he was quickly on board and in line at Bed Bath & Beyond (probably not with a 20% off coupon) buying his own NutriBullet. I remember questioning why he was doing this because one day we’d be married and then have two NutriBullets. Which is now the case.

Beyond smoothie juices, I created a recipe for what I call “Smoothie Bowls.” You should know, this is the only recipe I’ve ever created on my own. It was inspired by Etai’s Acai Smoothie Bowl, so maybe it’s not fair for me to take all the credit. Here is that recipe, roughly, because I’ve never measured it out and it typically depends on what we have on hand.

Smoothie Bowl (makes 2 servings)

Ingredients – blended
1-2 leaves of kale
2 carrots
3″ of cucumber
Top with berries or any fruit* you desire
1 tablespoon of chia seeds
1 tablespoon of flax seeds
2 tablespoons of almond milk

Ingredients – toppings
1/2 cup of gluten free granola
Handful of mint leaves
Honey (remove if vegan)
Cinnamon
Pomegranate seeds
Banana

Optional Ingredients
1 teaspoon of cranberry powder
1/4 teaspoon of amla powder
Shredded coconut (sprinkle on top)

Directions
In NutriBullet, put kale in first, followed by carrots, cucumbers, fruit (to fill line), chia/flax seeds and almond milk (+/- if you prefer runnier or thicker consistency). Blend thoroughly. Once blended, put into a bowl. Top with granola, mint leaves, drizzle with honey, add a shake of cinnamon, a handful of pomegranate seeds and sliced banana.

*if frozen, prep the night before and put in fridge (without almond milk), it will blend easier or nuke the fruit on defrost setting in microwave.

Obviously, there’s lots of room to get creative. Enjoy!

I’ve since made massive strides in my diet. But I credit the NutriBullet for giving me my start. To date, it is still the most used appliance by far in our kitchen. Some days, we even use it more than once. Now that I have a juicer, too, I still make a smoothie to compliment my breakfast (no more coffee!) or dinner. We aim to eat our fruits and veggies, the smoothie is just a bonus.

If you decide to order a NutriBullet online, don’t forget about Ebates! It gets you 6% back at Bed, Bath and Beyond.

What is your favorite kitchen appliance to help you in eating healthy?

Four Magic Words for NO, Wine Walks, and Other Tips to Keep Your Plate Balanced

I’m a people-pleaser to the nines. Therefore, the word NO rarely enters my vocabulary. I can think the word; I struggle to SAY the word. One of my #cancerperks is that I learned to say no more easily. I had an actual excuse!

“No, I can’t make it to your baby shower. I have a full body rash, spend 75% of my time on the toilet, and quite literally don’t have the energy.”

Seriously, nobody ever argued with that.

But what about during my ups? When I’m out of treatment and creating some semblance of normalcy in my life?

A couple years back, prior to my metastatic diagnosis, I was at a charity event with my sister and her awesome in-laws. I overheard a gentleman ask Nicki’s mother-in-law, Terri, if she’d be interested in serving on the board for a charity he was involved in. Without hesitation, she replied, “You know, I’d love to, but my plate is full.”

The heavens parted, and the angels sang.

MY PLATE IS FULL.

The only person who can define the load of your plate is you. If you think it’s full, it’s full. Terri mentioned she might have a friend who would be interested and promised to check with that person and put them in touch if there was interest. Brilliant.

Terri, you just said no, offered a possible alternative, and let yourself off the hook if you didn’t solve this person’s dilemma. You are my hero.

I come back to this time and time again. There are 168 hours in a week. 56 of those hours, we should be sleeping. At least 40 of those hours, we’re working. That doesn’t leave many hours to eat healthy, workout, shower, commute, read, run errands, watch your show, walk your dog, and socialize. Says the woman who only has a furbaby to care for! I would imagine children consume 100% of the remaining 72 hours and then some. Why do I imagine this? Because a girlfriend texted me last week, “Is it bad that I can’t figure out when my last shower was?!”

Start to pay attention to your plate.

It’s okay to say NO. Furthermore, you don’t need to have an actual conflict or excuse for said NO. How often is that two hour time slot that someone asks you to watch their kid or meet for coffee, your ONLY two hours to yourself that week to squeeze in a workout, a nap, a good book or a glass of wine (futurehappyself.com is a judge-free zone)? It’s okay to keep that time to yourself. In fact, I’ve found to keep myself disciplined, I have to actually mark my workout and writing time in my calendar.

I just finished reading Girl, Wash Your Face. Rachel Hollis, the author, talks about how we can’t fathom breaking plans with other people, yet when it comes to ourselves, we break plans without question. I needed to read this. Inevitably, when I’m feeling good, I overload my plate. The first thing to get pushed off is my writing slash myself.

Last Thursday was marked as a writing day in my calendar. Two of my dearest girlfriends asked me to go to the Rembrandt exhibit at the Denver Art Museum. It sounded glorious and cultured. I wanted to go, but I remembered Rachel’s point. If I had plans to watch my sister’s kids, I’d tell them no. I compromised, because a girls gotta eat, and met them for breakfast near the coffee shop where I’d do my writing after. Yay, Katie!

Another rule of thumb that has helped me to remain balanced is to limit my evening commitments during the week. Two weeknights of activity is typically my max (pre-cancer and husband it was five). If someone asks me if I’m available on Wednesday evening, and I already have a happy hour on Tuesday and acupuncture appointment on Thursday, then NO, I’m not available on Wednesday.

Unless, you’re a dear friend asking and you want wine. The wine walk occurs when you desire a little exercise but also want to catch up with a friend. Multi-task! Put some vino in a coffee tumbler and hit the pavement. I’ve walked many miles catching up with girlfriends, walking my dog, and enjoying some liquid grapes. That doesn’t count against my evening commitments because I’m getting my move on and taking care of my fursponsibilities. If you’re a mama, put those kiddos in a stroller. My girlfriend Heather and I do it all the time.

Lastly, if you’re like me and someone says “We should get together,” it haunts you until you have a date in place. Years ago, I learned to say back, “I’d love to! Send me some dates.” Put it back on their plate. If it’s a crazy time (i.e. the holidays) say, “Yes! Ping me after the holidays.”

This summer, when Nick and I were dealing with my brain mets, his father’s fight with cancer, and my temporary blindness (just a couple things), I would “snooze” people by doing this exact thing. “Nick and I need to get through the next couple months, please reach out again in September.”

Take some of the pressure off yourself. If they are suggesting it, let them plan it. Inevitably, some people saying this will forget or they don’t actually mean it in the first place. It’s like when Chandler tries to break up with Rachel’s boss with the mascara goop, and he keeps ending their dates with, “This was great, I’ll give you a call, we should do it again sometime!”

To recap, next time someone asks you to do something, remember the following:
• Terri’s four magic words – MY PLATE IS FULL.
• Mark your calendar for yourSELF and keep those plans like you would any other commitment.
• Set (and keep) your limit on activities/week.
• Implement the wine walk with girlfriends – good for the body and soul.
• Allow other people to plan.

You’re welcome. (Hey, thanks, Terri).

EWG Healthy Living App – What is Really in Your Skincare Products?

My health journey is exactly that. A journey. I am on a constant quest for knowledge. And let me tell you, there is a LOT of crap out there to sift through. It’s hard to know who or what to believe. I’ve tried it all – changing my diet, eating vegan, giving up alcohol (that’s a lie, I’ve never actually tried that), reiki, massage, acupuncture, body talk, floating waters, meditation, essential oils, juicing, buying non-toxic cleaning products, and finding safer skincare and cosmetic products. Some things stick, others I move on from.

A couple years ago, I discovered an amazing app to help me understand the toxicity of the products I was consuming and using on my skin, only the body’s largest organ. Environmental Working Group (EWG) is a non-profit whose mission is to empower people to live healthier lives in a healthier environment. EWG’s Healthy Living App is a free app that rates more than 120,000 food and personal care products.

I’ll give you an example. For years, I used Clean & Clear’s Essential Foaming Facial Cleanser in the morning and evening. I loved it because it was strong enough to remove my mascara at the end of the day. It certainly wasn’t doing any favors for my teenage cystic acne that I developed in my late 20s. Thankfully, I met an amazing aesthetician in Cherry Creek, Katie Borgmann, who helped me understand skin care products on a much higher level. She encouraged me to invest in better quality products that cost a bit more than the Clean & Clear bottle priced at $4.29. I did, and my cystic acne cleared up.

When I first downloaded the Healthy Living App, Clean & Clear’s Essential Foaming Facial Cleanser was the first thing I looked up. Here are the results:

The app measures allergy, cancer, and developmental concerns. The facewash I used for 15 years of my life tested 7, on a scale of 0-10, 10 being most toxic. The ingredients are broken down by score even further. So what is “fragrance” that tested 8 in Clean & Clear’s Cleanser? Exactly. It’s vague because fragrance was conveniently left off the federal Fair Packaging and Labeling Act passed by Congress in 1973. The law required companies to list cosmetics ingredients on product labels but left off fragrance. In a study testing the ingredients of 17 name-brand fragrance products, “The average fragrance product tested contained 14 secret chemicals not listed on the label. Among them are chemicals associated with hormone disruption and allergic reactions, and many substances that have not been assessed for safety in personal care products.” Thank you, Congress.

The second “red zone” ingredient in my ex-face soap is propylparaben. We’ve all heard parabens are bad for us. But what are they? And why are they still in thousands of products on the shelves – including food products? Parabens are used as preservatives to prevent bacteria and mold from growing in our products. The FDA seems to feel they are not a threat, despite being banned by the European Union.

“FDA doesn’t have special rules that apply only to preservatives in cosmetics. The law treats preservatives in cosmetics the same as other cosmetic ingredients. Under the Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act (FD&C Act), cosmetic products and ingredients, other than color additives, do not need FDA approval before they go on the market.”

This is from www.fda.gov. Yikes.

So there is basically no regulation of ingredients. I should note, it has been EIGHTY YEARS since the US passed a major federal law to regulate the safety of ingredients used in personal care products. Another fun fact, the US has banned a whopping 30 ingredients for use in personal care products, compared to nearly 1400 banned by the European Union.

A recent article suggests that women who wear makeup absorb nearly 5 pounds of toxic chemicals per year. “Those chemicals include known and probable carcinogens, neurotoxins and reproductive toxins that lead to infertility.”

And we all heard about Monsanto yesterday, a unit of Bayer in Germany, that was ordered to pay $289 million in damages after a school groundskeeper developed non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma after using Roundup and Ranger Pro on school grounds. How unfortunate for that man, who isn’t expected to live to see 2020, and is there any concern for the children playing on those school grounds?

According the New York Times, in that trial, jurors saw internal company documents “proving that Monsanto has known for decades that glyphosate and specifically Roundup could cause cancer.”

People, it’s time to pay attention. I’ve been encouraging every who will listen to me to start shifting to safer products. Take baby steps. You might be tempted to trash everything in your cupboards (and you should be). Start with one product at a time. When you run out of body wash, pull up your app when you’re at the store and start scanning. If you’re buying cereal for your kids, maybe double check its levels of allergy, cancer, and developmental concerns through the Healthy Living App. Start somewhere and make it a habit.

Lastly, if this is speaking to you and you’re looking for safer skincare and cosmetics products, check out Beautycounter. The reason I joined the Beautycounter movement is their mission: to get safer products into the hands of everyone. Several of their products are EWG verified (meaning they meet EWG’s strictest criteria). All products score 3 and under. You can find more info on why I love Beautycounter on my blog.

If you’re feeling really committed, consider becoming a Band of Beauty member, which gets you free shipping on orders $100+, a welcome gift when you spend $50+, 15% product credit, and exclusive members only offers.

First things first, though, download the Healthy Living App (Think Dirty App is a similar concept and I actually reference both) and get scanning!

What are some safe products you’ve discovered and loved? Happy safe-product hunting!

Planning to Die: Understanding the Values of Wills / Part 5 Conclusion: Conversations & Resources

This is the final piece of the series. Thank you for following along!

Part 5 | Conclusion: Conversations & Resources

A couple years after my mom died, I had a very vivid dream where she descended from the sky in a hot air balloon. I ran to the basket and she said, “Katie, know that when you see a hot air balloon, I am with you.”

I never told anyone about that dream, until there were hot air balloons lining the sky on my sister’s wedding day. Then, after my metastatic diagnosis, my siblings and I started seeing them everywhere.

Last June 5^th marked 20 years since my mom died. A friend text me that day and said, “You probably already knew this, but did you know today is National Hot Air Balloon Day?”

I did NOT know that! It was instituted a couple years ago. When people ask me if I’m afraid to die, I look at my new hot air balloon tattoo on my wrist and tell them no. Am I ready? Absolutely not. I still have a lot to say.

But I think of all the people waiting for me on the other side, especially my mom. I think of what we’ll get up to sending messages to our loved ones still on earth. And I take comfort in believing that we’ll all be reunited again.

I hope by now you feel more informed and you ALL have your affairs in order! I’ve already mentioned this, but since it’s CRITICAL to the process, I’m stating it again. There’s no value in establishing anything if your doctor and/or lawyer are the only ones privy to your wishes. Talk with your loved ones.

Michelle Knox explains in her TED Talk, “If you plan for your death, then your survivors will know how to experience a healthy bereavement without fear or guilt of having failed to honor your legacy.”

Grab a bottle of wine and discuss the one guarantee we all know for certain with your loved ones. None of us are getting out alive! How do we prepare and make it easier on all of us? Establish your wishes and have a conversation.

And, due to my innate obsession with connecting people, if you are looking for a lawyer in CO, NE, MN or England, I’ve included contact information for amazing lawyers in the Resources section below. Nothing would make me happier than sending some business to these amazing lawyer friends. Please tell them I sent you.

To recap

Everyone, regardless of age, assets, and health status benefits from having a Will in place.
You do not have to pay an attorney to have an Advance Directive (or other estate planning documents). Search your state’s requirements and find an online form or create your own.
Share your Advance Directive with your healthcare providers.
Make certain you are discussing your end of life wishes with multiple loved ones, especially those you appoint as your Medical Powers of Attorney.
Remember, you can go back and make changes at any time.

Resources

Colorado: Julia Kneeland Lazure, Esq., KNEELAND LAW, LLC., Denver, CO, Phone: (720) 524-4918, Email: julia.lazure [at] kneelandlaw.com, www.kneelandlaw.com, Facebook
Nebraska: Joan Watke Stacy, PC, LLO, Sena, Polk & Stacy LLP, Omaha, NE, Phone: (402) 884-7444, Email: jws [at] SPSattorneys.com, www.spsattorneys.com, Facebook
Minnesota: Joe Henderson, J. F. Henderson Law, PLLC, Minneapolis, MN, Phone: (651) 699-2600, Email: jfh [at] jfhendersonlaw.com, www.jfhendersonlaw.com, Facebook
England: Joanne Axisa, SP Law inc. Martin Adams & McColl, Northampton, UK, Phone: +44 (0)1604 638905, Email: joanne.axisa [at] sp-law.co.uk, www.sp-law.co.uk, Facebook
The Conversation Project: dedicated to helping people talk about their wishes for end-of-life care
Five Wishes: a helpful guide and documentation of your wishes (can be used in any part of the world)
Talk about death while you’re still healthy: a TED Talk by Michelle Knox. This is a great starting point for understanding the conversation of death. Michelle talks about the correlation of talking about death to becoming more comfortable with grief.

Planning to Die: Understanding the Values of Wills / Part 4 Beneficiaries & Belongings

Part 4 | Beneficiaries & Belongings

Two topics often overlooked in estate planning are beneficiaries and belongings. Beneficiary designations are separate contracts and are not subject to the terms of your Will. For example, if you signed up for your company’s 401(k) plan ten years ago when you were single, and you’re now married with children and you pass away unexpectedly, is your best friend or sibling getting that money? Or your family? When you married, did you update your beneficiary designation form? Or, if you were married and no longer are, have you changed your beneficiary to be someone you’d actually like to have inherit your money vs. your ex-spouse? This applies to all accounts with beneficiaries and life insurance policies. Not having those correctly assigned can cause huge, negative unintended consequences.

Belongings are another important thing to consider. My cousin Joni said, “Most people think the greatest thing to leave their family is even a modest legacy of money.” She went on to explain, “When considering the topic more deeply, you’ll find that most people want their legacy to be a healthy relationship among their children.”

Having these conversations in advance, while difficult, can help address any conflict that may happen after you’re gone. It’s certainly not pleasant to deal with now, but if you don’t, Joni has seen first-hand, “That conflict can mushroom upon your death and sometimes can permanently sever familial and sibling relationships.”

Who will get your watch, your wedding band, your 1969 Maserati Ghibli 4.7, the painting above the mantel, Grandma’s candy dish, your sewing supplies, your dog? The list goes on. If two siblings have their heart set on one item and no one can agree to who should get it, rifts can form. Do you want the fight over who gets that painting above the mantel be the reason your children stop speaking to one another?

Michelle Knox suggests “Death Over Dinner” in her TED Talk, Talk about death while you’re still healthy.

In her talk, she suggests, “Life would be a lot easier to live if we talked about death now while we’re healthy. For most of us, we wait until we are too emotional, too ill, or too physically exhausted, and then it’s too late. Isn’t it time we started taking ownership of our finale on earth?”

Have the adult kids over for some pizza and start taking dibs on belongings. Prepare a powerpoint presentation on what your end of life wishes are. Okay, it might not need to be that formal, but START TALKING. Do you want to die at home? Do you want to donate your organs and/or tissue? Do you want to be buried, cremated or have your body donated to science? Do you want your ashes spread over the Cliffs of Moher by your nephews and niece (hypothetically speaking)? Make sure someone, other than you, knows what you want, because – spoiler alert – you won’t be here to tell them.

The final section, Part 5 | Conclusion: Conversations & Resources, has some stellar resources and high kicks for the biggest takeaway of all.

Planning to Die: Understanding the Values of Wills / Part 3 The Legal/Financial Perspective

Part 3 | The Legal/Financial Perspective

My lawyer/friend Julia recommends that people think about estate planning holistically and consider ensuring that they have a Will, Living Will, and Powers of Attorney. Most of her clients end up including all of them when going through the process, but if someone simply wants one of the documents I outlined in Part I, she will happily work with them, too. She also thinks it’s important for everyone, regardless of age, assets and health status to do a Will.

She often meets with couples with young kids who are going to leave them for the first time with relatives. That’s one of the life stages when the hypothetical “if something were to happen to both of us” conversation happens.

Her clients’ intent in creating a Will is to feel like their family is taken care of and their wishes are going to be observed. Where she sees conflict is when a Will is not in place and families dispute over “what the person would have wanted.” The process of estate planning gives the client an opportunity to clearly state what he or she wants. She also sees a lot of people wanting to donate items or a certain amount of money to charitable causes. A Will gives you a chance to do that.

Julia observed that when a Will is in place and someone dies, everything tends to go a lot more smoothly. She had a client whose sister was the Personal Representative in her Will. When her client passed, the sister was left to sort her affairs from another state. It would have been extremely difficult for her sister to accomplish everything without a Will in place.

“People want to be sure they are leaving a legacy. The biggest piece of mind is that they are not creating a mess for their family,” she explained.

For Julia, the process takes a month to two, on average (Nick and I are the outliers!), typically over three meetings, although it can go a lot faster if clients prefer that. The first meeting, she walks her clients through a questionnaire. Then she fills out all the documents and sends back for review within a week or two. A follow up phone call takes place to review the documents, then the person or couple comes in for signing.

Julia mentioned, “In my experience, it isn’t atypical in a couple to have one person who is ready to sign and the other person to be having an existential experience.” She understands this and works through this with her clients.

Julia stressed that you can always go back and change things. “What you want to have happen with your money for your kids when they are 2-years-old is a lot different than what you’d want done when they are 40,” she gave as an example.

Speaking of your money, if you do not establish a Trust (or a Testamentary Trust in your Will), you do not get to choose who will manage your money for your children. Whatever money is inherited by your children gets paid to them automatically on their 18^th birthday (or 19^th birthday depending on the emancipation age in your state). A Will allows you to decide who manages your kids’ money even if they have another parent to raise them. Without a Trust (or a Testamentary Trust in your Will), your spouse will raise the kids and manage their money. When that becomes tricky is when said spouse is an ex-spouse. A Testamentary Trust is a set of trust provisions included in your Will, but a Trust is only established if certain criteria are met (ie both parents die and the child hasn’t reached the age of 25 or hasn’t graduated from college or a trade school).

To reiterate, from the legal, financial and medical perspective, if you are not clear with your loved ones on your wishes, you are only setting them up for confusion, guilt and heartache on top of the devastating loss they will experience with your passing.

The next section is Part 4 | Beneficiaries & Belongings, two things often over-looked in the process.

Planning to Die: Understanding the Values of Wills / Part 2 The Medical Perspective

Part 2 | The Medical Perspective

My dad designed an Advance Directive form thirty years ago for his patients. It is one page. It states things like, “If I have a terminal condition, in general, I would or would not want these things done” (for example, dialysis, feeding tube, cardio pulmonary resuscitation, antibiotics). In the state of Nebraska, where he resides, the page does not need to be notarized, it just requires a witness. He then asks his patients to discuss with their loved ones and send him a copy, and he saves it on file.

On multiple occasions, he has had to tell families, this is what my patient indicated to do in this scenario. Usually it’s the daughter from California who hasn’t been around. The siblings in Omaha have been there day to day, and they understand it’s time for their mom to pass. At the 11^th hour, the daughter flies in and feels guilty she hasn’t been there. My dad must explain the directive and what her mother’s wishes were.

My dad talks about this with 100% of his patients, even the 20-year-old, healthy ones. When they are healthy, it’s a lot easier to talk about. About 90% of his patients have filled out the form, and he continues to bring it up, typically at their annual physical exam, with each patient who has not filled one out.

“Most people see the wisdom of it and are anxious to do it. Where it gets hairy is when you’re putting it into place. You may have a disagreement with family members, and you sit down to talk about it. You have to explain, ‘It’s not what you want, it’s what mom wants,’” my dad explained.

Furthermore, if he has a patient who is really sick and does not want to be resuscitated, he will have them write DNR (do not resuscitate) and put it on their refrigerator so first responders know that.

My dad’s dad had a “do not hospitalize” order, in addition to his DNR wish. This was something he and my dad (and his siblings) had discussed at length. He was living in a nursing home at 96 years-old.

When my dad received the call at 4am in 2005 that my grandpa had severe abdominal pain and rectal bleeding, he reminded the nursing home that his dad did not want to be hospitalized. They made him comfortable and let nature take its course. My grandpa died two days later.

When my dad suggests the “do not hospitalize” order to patients and their families, the inevitably say, “You can do that?!”

If you do not have these documents in place, each state has a plan for you if something happens (either incapacity or death), making your loved ones jump through legal hoops to be able to step in and help when you need it. For example, if you’re in a car accident and you do not have a Medical Power of Attorney or a Durable Power of Attorney, your loved ones must file a guardianship/conservatorship to make decisions on your behalf. It is time consuming and expensive. Instead of caring for you, they are left sitting in a lawyer’s office. Always a party.

If you’re thinking, “This doesn’t apply to me; I’m super healthy,” you are sorely mistaken. My friend and author Katie McKenna wrote a memoir called How to Get Run Over by a Truck. She was young and healthy and on a quick morning spin the day she was pummeled by an 18-wheeler. Thank God she lived to tell her story, which I highly recommend reading.

Death is the definition of inevitability. It’s the one guarantee in life. What are you doing for yourself and your loved ones to prepare? Ambiguity in your end of life care only leads to confusion, guilt and heartache for your loved ones.

The next section is Part 3 | The Legal/Financial Perspective.

Find Your Happy Place. GO THERE.

Three years ago shortly after my metastatic diagnosis, Dr. Carriere, my amazing doctor who blends Eastern and Western medicine, asked me, "Where do you see yourself in ten years? When you picture yourself happiest, where are you and with whom?"

"Duh. Ireland. With my husband," I quickly replied.

Nick had never been, and it truly is my happiest place.

Dr. Carriere explained to me the power and importance of visualizing. It's the idea that if you picture it happening often enough, it will happen.

I began to fixate on the image of Nick and me standing above the Cliffs of Moher.

We went to Ireland fourteen months ago.

Why wait ten years?! My health has been stable. Why else are we here? To work forty hours each week? Or to create memories that will bring us utter joy?

Standing at the Cliffs of Moher with Nick was such a special moment for me. It's a place I've shared with many I love, including my mom.

This month, I had a window to go to Ireland again, this time by myself. It was my seventh visit in twenty-five years. As I walked down Grafton Street, I was smiling ear to ear at the sounds of the street musicians and the majestic beauty of the Christmas lights strung above.

Every person and place in that country has special meaning to me.

Temple Bar District reminds me of my dear friend Gvidas. He died too young of cancer. We enjoyed a musical pub crawl in Dublin fifteen years ago. Walking that area is another reminder of the brevity of life and the importance of embracing it - for ourselves and for those who cannot.

Time spent with my dear friend Katie reminds me of the role God plays in putting certain people in our lives. Katie and I met by chance at a networking event in 2004. She got my number that night, and we became fast friends. Our love of Ireland brought us to together, and now she lives there (lucky). When we eat cookie dough and drink wine on her couch by the fire, I am grateful for the unexpected friendships in my life.

The ring shop in Galway reminds of the importance of having faith. In 2012, I bought myself a ring that says "Anam Cara," meaning soul friend. I was single at the time, and I bought it to remind myself that he was out there and worth waiting for.

My Irish family, some I've known for twenty-five years, some I met for the first time last year, remind me of the people who play a role in who I am. I see parallels in my Irish family to my American family - in their wit, compassion, and interactions. I feel "home" when I'm in their company. Eithne in Cork has always reminded me of mom. My brother said after this trip (he joined me for 5 days), "Hanging out with Eithne was like hanging out with mom for the weekend." Fergus took us to the plot of land where our great-great grandparents raised our great-grandmothers (who were sisters). Being on that land and seeing the small shack they likely lived in is part my story. I came from this place.

I frequently dream of being in Ireland. Sometimes flying over it, sometimes, like last night, I am floating through it down a river. Last night I passed the abandoned castle my best friend Christina and I explored during her visit in 2002.

Maybe it's my roots, maybe it’s the people, the scenery and the sounds, maybe it's the memories I've formed in all my visits - whatever it is, Ireland is my happy place. It owns my soul.

Do you know your happy place? Whether you share it with someone or you make it your own first and then bring them back, GO THERE. Quit making excuses as to why you can't. Visualize it. Make it happen. Work will be waiting when you come back.

Top Ten Tips for Dealing with a Cancer Diagnosis

Whenever I hear of someone newly diagnosed with cancer or other life-changing health issues, I automatically reflect on the two times in my life I was bitch-slapped with a cancer diagnosis.

The first thing I will tell anyone reeling from a diagnosis (for themselves or a loved one) is that for me, the diagnosis was the worst part. Nothing in all my crazy trials, surgeries, ER visits, infusions and scans compares to those initial days and weeks when there was no plan of action. That feeling of helplessness led to hopelessness. As soon as I got a couple opinions and found a treatment option, I felt empowered to kick cancer in the ass.

Here are some tips that helped me as I adjusted to life as a cancer patient. Please note that these tips worked for ME. This is not a MUST DO list. If you identify with these things, by all means, take them. If you don’t, leave them. Nothing irks me more than people, especially the ones who have never been diagnosed with cancer, telling me what to do. I might mention that as the youngest of four, I’ve never really been a fan of people telling me what to do.

You don’t HAVE to do anything. I’ve had countless people tell me, you HAVE to read this article, watch this YouTube video, listen to this podcast or read this book. UM! I am fighting for my life right now. I don’t have the bandwidth for this extra reading!!?? A friend of a friend lent me Knockout Cancer by Suzanne Somers when I was initially diagnosed. She told me I HAD to read it. It helped her when her sister was battling breast cancer. I adore her and know she meant well and was just trying to relate, but I wasn’t interested in reading a book about a cancer I couldn’t relate to by the thigh master herself, no offense to Suzanne Somers. I felt guilty for not reading the book. I finally returned the book without having read it. It taught me to never tell anyone dealing with a crisis what to do. Instead, when I hear of someone dealing with a new diagnosis, I use the word tracks, “XYZ book was really helpful to me when I was diagnosed. I highly recommend it but understand that you have a lot on your plate right now.” You could also gift them the book with a note that reads, “Thinking of you. I found this book helpful. I won’t be expecting a book report, however, so if you never read it, no offense taken!”
CaringBridge.org is a great resource for you and your loved ones to keep everyone rooting for you informed. This especially took a huge load off my siblings, who were getting pinged left and right by the people smart enough not to ask me any questions. We knew this curiosity was coming from the best place, but it was overwhelming. Both of my sisters agreed that after creating my CaringBridge site, they felt like they could finally keep up with the outpouring of messages. My sister Nicki authored the site and gave access to my siblings Julie and Chris and me. Once I got fighting, I loved being able to do updates myself. I loved being able to communicate with all the people showing their support. When news was too tough, or I was going through a procedure, my siblings would take turns giving updates.
Be open to a GoFundMe page (or other fundraising sites). Evidently, the etiquette is that it should be started by a non-immediate family member. My friend Jen set up mine. I’ll be honest, my parents were uncomfortable at first. I think it’s definitely a generational thing. I explained to my dad that it’s not about the money. It’s about giving my friends and family an opportunity to feel like they are doing something to help. And did it ever. I was so humbled by the generous support of so many people, including some I’d never met before. Having the fund took a load off of the financial burden of my out of state travel and lodging.
Do or don’t research. You know who you are. I have never once researched my cancer. I’m the type who believes if I hear the bad stats, my mind will cling to them. So I don’t want to know. I’ve also learned stats are shit. Someone has to be the 2%, good or bad. I’ve been on the bad side of that more than once. For that reason, I just don’t want to hear them. Some people, like the older woman named “Sharon” at a small group I sat in with my fellow stage IV uveal melanoma peers, like to do research. And “Sharon” made it very clear that she was better than me for doing all her research and getting herself into a clinical trial. At the end of her rant, she looked me right in the eye and said, “Unlike you, Katie, I think knowledge is power.” GFY, Sharon. You do you. I’ll do me. If research makes you feel better equipped to fight, google away. If it doesn’t, stay away from it. Neither one are right or wrong.
Keep living your life. Get a dog! We actually did this. Perhaps not recommended for everyone. I am a social butterfly. I’ve always been on the go. I plan hair appointments, happy hours, and workouts after work. Getting a cancer diagnosis forced me to slow down. Suddenly, I didn’t have the energy to be gone 14 hours/day. Getting Alice was a great distraction for my husband and me. And the perfect excuse to get home after work and spend more time in on the weekends. I also asked my dad slash agent (M.D.) during one of our doctor visits in New York City if he thought it was irresponsible for us to buy a house. He didn’t think it was. Nick and I had just married, and the natural progression is to buy a house. We took this step, and now, two years later, I’m so grateful that we didn’t sit around and wait. Building our house was another welcomed distraction. We also purchased within a mortgage plan that would be feasible if anything were to happen to either of us. Now that we are settled in, we plan and take lots of vacations.
Shed toxicity. Fighting cancer takes a lot of time and energy! You know what I don’t have time and energy for after a week in NYC for my drug deal (when I got my trial pills)? Toxic people. Generally speaking, my friendships and family relationships have only strengthened with cancer. But I started to pay attention to the friends who drained me instead of lifting me up. One friend in particular sent me a guilt ridden text message as I was taking off for New York City for yet another scan in 2015. She was upset that I hadn’t been to visit her. This was not the first time I’d been critiqued by her and this time, I drew the line. I blocked her number and moved on. When Sharon had it out for me at the small group, I literally left the conference and got on a plane home. I felt so empowered.
Consider getting a second opinion. My first oncologist suggested I start on the only FDA approved drug available for my cancer. I was encouraged to hear of its 20% survival rate. NOT REALLY. I literally didn’t have any other options. But my dad wouldn’t stop there. He researched the best hospitals and what they are doing in terms of clinical trials for my cancer. I don’t think I’d still be here today had we not explored other options. Even now, we continue to network with the top medical professionals treating my illness.
Take care of yourself (and get a therapist). I got to a point a year and a half into my marathon fight where I was feeling like I wasn’t taking enough time for myself. I made a bold ask and requested from my boss that I cut down to 4 days a week at work. It was approved. I realize this is a luxury that a lot of companies might not allow, but for me, it was worth the ask. What do I do on my sacred Fridays? I get massages, facials, reiki, acupuncture and lunch with girlfriends. And therapy. Having a great therapist for tuneups is a lifesaver for me. Friday’s are also when I write. I used to feel badly pampering myself. Now, I own it. It’s part of my total health regime.
Revamp your diet/supplements. This was a process for me and something I plan to elaborate on in future posts. Diet is difficult when you don’t have an appetite. It’s also hard when comfort food is comfort food. How often have I thought, “I’m eating this effing donut because I have cancer dammit.” Ultimately, I’ve found healthier habits in the kitchen. This is in part thanks to chef lessons my brother got us. I also work with an integrative medicine doctor who has me on a supplement regime. I feel amazing.
Control the narrative. I’ve never understood when people announce a health matter via Facebook updates (Just checked into ER! or Going in for emergency surgery… or Something suspect on my scan :(). But, if that’s your jam, have at it. For me, I was very clear with my friends and family in the know NOT to put anything on social media. It was my story to tell. And I was very calculated in how I told it. I waited until we had a plan in place. I went to see my therapist, and she helped me craft the email below. PLEASE feel free to copy and paste any parts of this email that you like. It was such a relief to send this out. My sister simultaneously created a CaringBridge site for me (with my approval on all the copy). I sent the email first to 200 close friends and family. Shortly after, I posted my update on Facebook with a link to my CaringBridge site.

Subject: Update on Me

Dear Family and Friends,

First, I am so grateful for your continued love, support, and prayers. I’ve been getting an outpouring of texts, emails, phone calls, FB messages, etc. Knowing that so many of you care so much gives me strength.

It’s also been overwhelming. Many of you are asking “What can I do to help?” I know this comes from a sincere concern for my wellbeing. Please understand that not responding or a delayed response is by no means an indication of lack of appreciation.

Between the diagnosis, engagement, and move, I feel like I’ve packed 3 years of life events into one month. It’s been a roller coaster — exhausting and humbling and exciting and scary.

Last Friday, I finally had a day to myself to get a grip on the small logistical details in my life (change my address, cancel my cable at my old place, etc.). In addition, I had some quiet time to process the whirlwind of this past month.

Here are a few ways you can be most supportive of me right now:

– Please continue to pray for me, love me, text or email encouraging words but understand I may not always be able to reply.

– Please do not ask me questions about our wedding plans, treatment updates, results, how I’m feeling/doing, and travel schedule. Note: I am thrilled to be engaged to Nick and I appreciate the congratulations on our engagement, but our first priority right now is treatment.

– Please understand that I’m not able to be my usual social self, so unable to do lunch, dinner, coffee or drinks.

In general, know that I will get back to you as soon as I am better and able.

In the meantime, my sisters and brother created a Caringbridge site to help keep everyone informed of my treatment. I encourage you to follow that and message me there:

www.caringbridge.org/visit/katieortman

Until then, please don’t be offended if you get radio silence and, again, know that I appreciate your love and support.

This also serves as a thank you letter for any kind gestures. It’s not like me to not send hand written thank you notes 🙂 but I’m taking a sabbatical from that etiquette for now.

All my love,

Katie

If you have faced a cancer diagnosis, what are some tips you’d like to share that I haven’t listed above?